I was emotionally bruised most of my childhood and still am to this day in many ways. So the clear answer is yes, I was emotionally bruised when I got married. The big question is how does that affect my marriage and even my other relationships?
Why I Didn’t Believe I Deserved It
I was sexually abused in various forms all throughout my childhood. I had seen many horrors that I never want to have to endure again. Marriage didn’t hold the meaning I always longed for it to hold. I wanted my parents to have the type of marriages where they worked things out. I wanted them to stand by their spouses’ side through everything. I wanted them to feel like the mere idea of cheating on a spouse was thought to be absurd.
I was one of those kids who read romance novels looking for the happy ever after parts. I didn’t really care about how the characters caught each other. (After all, I had guys flocking to me like bees to honey. So, I definitely wasn’t needing help in that area.) I wanted to know the HOW they stay together part! I wanted to believe in happy ever AFTER through the hard times and the good.
Yet, for as much as I wanted that, I didn’t believe that I, ME Personally, was worth it. I felt like because of my past sexual mistakes that I was dirty. I was nothing more than trash. No man would ever love the REAL me. The part of me that wants sex to be more than just an action that HAD to be done and done in the most creative exotic way imaginable. (Yes, I do have many creative ways to make sex entertaining and enjoyable. From time to time I do pull those tricks out, but they are NOT something I want to have to do every day. NO WOMEN really does.)
I Had It, but Lost It
I had the man who loved me completely for who I was both inside and out. I had a man who would have walked through a flaming building and done tricks along the way if he thought it would make me happy and secure. That man is my current husband now! However, through the years, I have burned him royally by doing things that I’ll never be able to take back.
Yet, he’s still here with me. Granted, his love for me is still there, but it’s different. It’s far more reserved. He keeps a part of himself away from me. It breaks my heart to know that I’m the reason why things are that way between us. Even now, I still feel that one day he’s going to meet another woman who can make him love completely, and where he’s free to be 100% himself with again. The sad fact is, I wouldn’t blame him if he left.
Our marriage is strong, but due to my low self-esteem and MAJOR insecurities it will NEVER be as close as it could have been. I think that’s what the driving force is behind me sharing these thoughts with you. I don’t want you to waste or miss out on having the chance to be with someone who does love you completely because you don’t think you’re worth it.
Trying to Remind Myself of My Worth
I literally spend every day reminding myself that I AM worth it. I do deserve to be loved unconditionally. I am no longer the girl who doesn’t think clearly. Instead, I strive to make every relationship matter. I don’t handle them recklessly anymore.
I also am trying to remember that my true beauty comes from the inside out. The outer portion of my body will actually catch up if I believe I am worth this. I need to put the band aide on my emotional bruises and give it time to heal. I need to accept that it won’t happen overnight for as much as I would like it too. However, if I keep applying the ointments needed to heal them, then in time they will healed at least enough for me to appreciate my worth.
I believe many things will fall into line if I apply the right ointment, which would be trusting that God has a plan for me and loves me. He will help me get better. He will guide me down the path I need to be on.
Are you emotionally bruised too?
You are so brave for sharing your journey with us. {{Hugs}} to you. May your path get easier. And yes, I am emotionally bruised. Your strength may help me find my own and share as well.
I’m glad that you shared you’re on this journey with me. When you are forced to look at things from this perspective it is truly an eye opener. I hope that we can support each other into a healing stage.
I’ve gone through a lot of crap, but in a different way. I’m grateful I had a stable schoolchild to back me up in adulthood.
I’m glad you had that stable schoolchild too. Having support through the hard times in life makes a world of a difference. Del was (and still is) my rock through a lot of things I’ve endured in my life. He’s been there for me at my absolute lowest points in my life and for my best. I do declare he’s helped me stay as sane as I am.
I’ve gone through a lot of that myself and I must say it always feels good to put those words out there. I do hope and pray that you will find it in yourself to allow him to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I’m trying to. Everyday is a struggle. I put many wedges between us that don’t need to be there especially when we go through a major life change of some sort. I KNOW it’s my fault!
It’s very brave to share your story. I wish you the very best in the future.
Mickey,
Thank you for your support.
I think everyone has some sort of lingering effect from childhood situations. It may not be abuse, but there are things we carry with us. Keep on with the fight!
I have to agree with you all the way. I believe in the fact that we all have a story to tell in some form or fashion. I’m on this big quest and it feel like it’s I’m trying to pull myself out of quick sand.
Hugs, mama. Thank you for sharing your story and I hop it helped you in a way. You are worth it!
Thank you Melissa. I really appreciate the hugs.
You’re very brave to share all of this. My marriage is much like yours although with reverse rolls. My husband was physically abused as a young child (he was adopted around 5) and it has caused behaviors that have effected his relationships and jobs. Sadly he doesn’t want to see the problem and work on it. His behavior has become verbally abusive to me and it got to be more than I could take and we’ve been separated for two months now. My parents marriage fell apart when I was a kid and for years I read romance novels too. More than anything I wanted the happily ever after. I never thought it wouldn’t come with bumps in the road, but us it just wasn’t meant to be. My father was verbally abusive in the same way, and I’m not going through that again. I feel so bad about it all because I know the behavior stems from deep wounds that were inflicted on him, but if someone doesn’t want to help themselves than you can’t do anything to change it. Things may not be perfect for you guys, and I am sorry for that, but I think it’s wonderful that you can recognize it all and that you do what you can to make it work. I hope things continue to work for you marriage.
Thank you for your support. I’m sorry to hear that your husband and you are going through this stage in your marriage. I will be praying that his time away from you will be enough to drive him to seek the help (or work on making the changes) he needs to make to keep your marriage together. Marriage is always a lot of giving and taking. Sometimes it’s really hard to find that happy balance. My marriage is still strong, but I create wedges that don’t need to be there due to my emotional issues. I know that we’ll get through it, but right now it’s just a rocky path we’re on. (Because I’m personally in a rocky state of mind.)
I would say that I am not emotionally abused from a childhood situation. I dont have any bad sexual past (sure, a few stupid situations but nothing that was forced, etc) and I have never been abused. But I am really really good at locking myself into a hole for some reason. My spouse on the other hand is super open and loving, so at some point we became incompatible. It took a seperation, lots of counseling and yes, CHANGES to make me be a more loving adult (not just a loving mother). I still have my moments were I want to be left alone but now I understand that loving someone outloud really helps too. He needs a specific type of relationship and its my job as his partner to make sure he is KNOWS he is loved. IT has made us both happier.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve never gone through any abuse situations, that’s always great to hear.
As far as the burying yourself into a hole personality, I actually know a few people who have that personality. It’s hard to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand it at all. I’m glad that you and your husband were able to work things out. I’m sure it’s a constant battle for you.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thank you for sharing this, you are very brave. Most put their dark secrets in a closet and never try to deal with them.
Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. I am not enjoying going down these dark alleys of my emotions, but it’s something that needs to be done.
This was a terrific post that actually caused me some contemplation. My marriage is in a really solid place but back when we were dating we had some issues that honestly often came around to my self esteem (or lack thereof). It’s good to know I’m not the only one. &I’m so sorry to hear about all of the abuse you endured, I understand.
From one Chrystal to another, your story parallels mine. I was sexually abused by my father until I was 12. I did not tell my mother until 16 and they divorced when I was 19. I was raped at 18. Abused by my high school BF for 4 years. At 26 I found out that man was not my biological father. I did find the bio dad, who after 6 months told me that he could not tell his family about me and to never contact him again. My first husband was a wonderful man and went through that ordeal with me. I started to really get down on myself and felt I did not deserve him and that he deserved so much better in life. 7 years ago I left him and moved 1000 miles away. I’ve been trying to put the past behind me and start life over all this time. I have since remarried. I thought I was ready. It is a struggle with me every day. I just found out today that the abusive father is going to die any day now and wants to see me. We havent spoke in over 6 years. You are not alone. You will never be alone. If you need a friend, I am seriously an email away.
Chrystal,
Is it something to do with our name that we have similar pasts? (I’ve met many other Crystal (with various spellings) that have similar stories that’s why I started out with that question.) I’m glad to know I’m not alone and that someone other than me can relate to what I’m trying to struggle through. This is one of the reasons why I’m sharing this journey with the world because I feel together we can support each other and maybe together find a way to get ourselves over this huge road block to us truly enjoying life to the fullest and for all WE ARE WORTH.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I look forward to getting to know you more.
Hi Crystal – I think you are very brave, and smart, to share this. I have found that getting things out, either by speaking them or writing them, reduces their power over me. Thanks for sharing with the Let’s Get Real party. I know this is going to encourage a lot of women.
Thank you for you kind encouraging words Gaye. I find I feel mighty vulnerable writing these things and posting them online, but I do feel a lot better about it.