Uncontrollable Happy Tears

For My First Born Daughter:

“A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart”

Skye Hardwick, founder of “Life Mothers”

If you love someone unconditionally and with your whole heart, then you will do what is best for them, not yourself. I have never learned a harder lesson than giving my child up for adoption, and I probably never will.

Talitha, Birthmother twice over

For Jimmy and My firstborn:

We look at adoption as a very sacred exchange. It was not done lightly on either side. I would dedicate my life to this child.

Jamie Lee Curtis, Adoptive mother

For Jimmy:

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else’s child.
Adopted Child: A natural child with a real parent who is all my own.
— Rita Laws, PhD

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart – but in it
— Fleur Conkling Heylinger

I have literally been on both sides of the coin now of the adoption process. I have given up my firstborn daughter to her father and her stepmother to have full custody and gave up my rights to her so that her stepmother may adopt her. As of today, I have now become that stepmother who officially adopted my stepson. Ironically Jimmy’s biological mother and I have given up our kids for very similar reasons.

My firstborn daughter is living in PA, where they provide better schools for her. She had issues with dyslexia, and the schools here were NOT helping us get the help she needed. I definitely didn’t know how to help her myself, even though I suffer from the same issue as well. So, that was the MAJOR reason why I consented to her going to PA. I want my kids to have the best possible chances of having a better life than I’ve had. Plus, at that time, her now mother was a stay-at-home mother (and at last check, she still was.) I was never able to emotionally open my heart to my firstborn due to the fact that I knew that my marriage with her father would never last because I literally couldn’t get a grip on reality again to save my life. (That’s another blog topic all in it’s self.) She has been extremely happy since she moved there and has excelled more than she did when she was with me. I don’t regret my decision regarding her. I think of her daily and love her and miss her, and I will forever hope to see her again one day. However, if that’s meant to happen, it will, but if it isn’t meant to happen, then I will have to live with that choice. I’ve had the great pleasure of talking to her and seeing pictures of her over the years, and that has meant more to me than I will ever be able to express.

I cried like crazy when she left. I dug into college with a passion and was determined to create a better life for her here for a long time after she left. However, the longer she was gone, the more I could see how happy she was. For me, my kid’s happiness far outweighs my own happiness. She always was a child who needed to have a lot of attention and love (seeing how Delbert and Zeva act, I may have installed that trait in her. Even Jimmy is starting to be that way.) I couldn’t give it to her like I wanted due to my work schedule. I slowly became at ease with my decision. Yes, I prayed long and hard about her going to PA long before I consented to it. Then I prayed again about the adoption option. I honestly can say that I felt God say that my kids are blessings from him. Even with my kids and family, I still have to follow his guidance and trust in him concerning them.

Then Del and I got back together. I remember thinking about Jimmy when his ex-wife was pregnant with him, and my heart was crushed because I couldn’t meet Jimmy and have him as my own back then. Then when I did finally meet Jimmy when he was three years old, my heart was overflowing with joy to finally have him in my life. Jimmy was torn between his father and his mother and didn’t know how to handle going back and forth between both homes. He was dealing with a lot of emotional battles. Then when we gained custody of him and we didn’t do as many visitations, he started to function better. His mother started to see how he was improving overall. So, she discussed with his father and me about me adopting him. We started this process back in June 2010, and it has been a long, drawn-out battle with the courts (all because of not having the right wording on the documents!!!) However, today after a long series of questions that made me wonder if the judge was going to grant the adoption due to the fact that I had given up my firstborn and we had gone through some investigations (which were ALL unfounded!!) The judge did grant the adoption because we had the guardian ad lien, Jimmy’s biological mother, and both my husband and I all there to testify that we were all on the same boat. Plus, we had presented EVERY document that we had tried to present to the court before. I didn’t hide anything or beat around the bush with my answers.

When she was finally granted the adoption, the tears flowed uncontrollably. I hadn’t realized just how much I wanted to adopt Jimmy until that moment. Jimmy and I have a bond that only gets stronger with each passing day. I push him to be all he can be, but he knows I do it out of nothing but love. I treat him no differently than I do Delbert or Zeva. I call him my Nut because he tickles me a lot, but he’s as stubborn as a bull. I’ll never forget today. Ironically it happened a day before Del, and I will have been in each other’s lives for 19 years. 🙂

I praise God for bringing this family back together and completing it today. I firmly believe that my ex-husband and his wife are meant to be together, and they were supposed to have my firstborn daughter and that Del and I were meant for each other, and that Jimmy was supposed to be mine. I don’t know if I’m right until I meet my maker in heaven, but I feel in every part of me that I’m right.

May you enjoy your day!!!